In the spring of 2017, my voice started skipping like a warped record.
Like a good girl, I ignored this message from my body, told myself I didn’t have time to deal with it, and kept “super momming” and over-achieving at work.
Me, in my peak people-pleasing years
Unsurprisingly, my voice function continued to decline. Eventually, I found myself the owner of a breathy, powerless voice – not the sexy, embodied version – like a deflated balloon.
No longer able to deny there was a problem, I met with a specialist. That day I learned that one of my vocal cords had actually died.
Dead.
Gone.
Forever.
I literally lost my voice.
The symbolism was not lost on me.
Let me back up and give you some context. This health scare (spoiler alert: Everything turned out okay.) was the culmination of years of martyring myself and ignoring my own needs.
I was an A+, self-sacrificing super mom with all the anger, resentment, and exhaustion to prove it.
My life was centered around:
Being the primary parent to a three and four-year-old.
My full-time+ job.
Managing 97% of the mental load and associated domestic labor tasks at home.
I had terrible boundaries and was fully baked in societal conditioning; I didn't yet see anything as a choice. I was performing my gender. Fulfilling my roles.
Losing a vocal chord felt like the universe punching me in the face. She was saying, "Wake the fuck up!”
I didn’t use my voice to care for myself, so I lost it.
The experience inspired me to begin to make small changes in my life.
I started looking more inward for guidance than outward for validation. (Still a daily practice.)
I began to recognize my power and worth – outside of society’s expectations of what it means to be a woman and mom – and feel the benefits of using my voice, even when it was uncomfortable.My voice came back. Enough to not sound like a deflated balloon. I still can't really yell, and my kids love that.
Change is possible.
Is your body giving you messages that you need to take better care of yourself?
Are you so overwhelmed by responsibilities and the mental load that you don’t have space in your life for you?
You are not alone.
You have worth and power.
What is one small step you can take this week to honor yourself?
It may mean saying no to something. It may mean taking 10 minutes in a room by yourself doing nothing. It may mean a hard conversation. It may mean recognizing a thought that doesn’t serve you and celebrating that awareness.
Progress and change look different for all of us, but our bodies and inner knowing tell us when we’re headed in the right direction.
I believe in you.
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